Dice 'n Buttons

The Lyrium Lay:
Last night, my gaming group ran our scheduled session of Dragon Age, a tabletop game based on the popular game franchise. We were visiting the Dwarven capitol of Orzammar. One of our players, a mage addicted to Lyrium, decided whore himself out to pay for his addiction.

After waiting on the corner for a bit, the player, who I am going to call Druggy, was approached by a dwarven pimp, who hooked him up with some Johns to entertain for the evening.

What follows the table conversation for the next 10 minutes or so. In order to maintain player privacy, I will use the names of the seven dwarves (I’m Sleepy). I recorded it on my laptop, so the sound quality isn’t the best. I think I edited out the boring bits, and the bits that are overly tough to make out, but still, read along in the summary below as you listen.
 
Sleepy: This is what we do on Wednesday nights!

Happy: This is how we get our jollies!

(DM) Pimp: “The clientele that i service has varied taste…”

Druggy: “So are the services I provide… name the price”

DM :Why is this still going on?

Happy: Because i’m really going for it… I’m addicted to lyrium man!

Grumpy: You’re such a slut… you’re a lyrium slut…

DM: He slaps your ass and puts 30 silver in your hand… “I have a place around the corner…”

Happy: Ohhhhh my god you’re going to get raped and murdured…

Druggy: I follow him around the corner… I’m going to write down the 30 silver…

Grumpy: Make him roll a perception check!

Druggy: Yeah I go around the corner.

DM: Okay you are then… manhandled…  the scene does fade to black because we do not describe what goes on…

Druggy: How much am I worth?

DM: Well lets see, you are taken into a room… How much punishment are you willing to inflict upon yourself?

Druggy: How much money can I make? Enough to buy me a 20 gold robe?

Sleepy: This is where they say “Here’s 5 silver, why don’t you take off your shirt? Wanna earn some more money? How far do you want to go?”

DM: Essentially… look… how long are you willing to do this for?

Sleepy: How hard are you willing to do this for?

Druggy: How long are we going to be in Orzammar?

DM: Okay… so… Merde (Druggy)… disappears into the abyss for a while…

Sleepy: You contract fire mites!

Happy: Haha, fire crabs!

DM: Whats your constitution mod…?

Druggy: 2! Plus stamina…

Happy: I love how we’re actually going to math this out!
               
Sleepy: What about his dex? Cause I mean… that’s important too…

DM: So the first encounter… you manage to survive it… the person… used… objects…

Druggy: How much did I get?

Sleepy: For the record, this is the first time that our group has been without a female player.

Druggy: That’s why its so much fun!

Sleepy: I’m just saying… 

Happy: Dude this is like… I didn’t expect it to go this far… an interesting day…

Druggy: I don’t care man! This is real role playing! I am addicted to lyrium!

DM: You made 36 silver.

Druggy: Okay, I’m writing that down.

DM: And… you want to keep going…

Happy: Oh.. was this just the first job, right?

DM: Yeah, that was a stamia roll

Sleepy: How much time passed there? Like an hour, but it felt like a lifetime?

DM: Yeah.

Happy: Ohhh man… this is hilarious!

Druggy: I’m going again!

Happy: Oh god….

DM: This time it’s a female. So. Still got a little bit of a beard, you know…

Druggy: A dwarven female? That’s normal… that’s normal… 

Grumpy: They’re all dwarves…

Sleepy: It’s hard to tell, she had you blindfolded pretty early on.. so…

DM: Alright! So you’re getting into the stride of things… this one, you’re not getting anything inserted into you… without your knowledge. She tells you ahead of time.

Druggy: And what happened?

DM: Nothing, you made another… solid… 50 silver!

Druggy: What are you guys doing while I’m doing this? I could do this all day!

Sleepy: I’m sleeping. You actually can’t do this all day…

DM: Exactly. Yeah, you’re a little tired, but if you want to go again… Shes willing to keep on uh…

Happy: Wow

Druggy: One more time!

Grumpy: Third times the charm… If you fail, and roll a one on this, you should totally get an STD!

Sleepy: An STD… or like… ruptured bowels…

DM: You do fail actually.

Druggy: I fail? Awww…

DM: It was getting harder and harder…

Happy: But respectively it was getting softer and softer…  It was more and more difficult to get it harder…

DM: So this guy… he doesn’t really care. He calls you names, slaps you around… at some point, you actually pass out. As you wake up, you’ve got a fat gold piece sitting on your chest.

Sleepy: Is that all that’s sitting on his chest?

DM: That’s all we’re gonna talk about.

Happy: Its something the other characters don’t know about cause they’re not there.

Druggy: I made 1.1 gold, okay? What did you do with your day?

Sleepy: I slept. And I woke up. Able to walk.

DM: 2.1 gold, actually. Right now, there are some physical penalties for what you just did. You’re at -1 dexterity. Actually. Make 1 more stamina check for me.

Sleepy: Oh… you’re pregnant!

Happy: Is it fire crabs? Is it…

DM: Its an itching, biting sensation.

Happy: Its like a shadow demon.

DM: You can see it a little bit, and you know there will probably be more.

Grumpy: You have a fucking rash, dawg.

DM: I would be crying right now.

Druggy: I got 1 gold out of it!

DM: You got 2 gold out of it. That was some seriously hard work, too.

Sleepy: You might want to buy some ointment or something when you’re at the magic shop!

Druggy: Lyrium’s gonna burn it right out!

Sleepy: Oh god…

Grumpy: This guy is way more addicted than he said he was…

Happy: I think this is like our new best character now.

Sleepy: I’m gonna cut this here, suffice to say: there are dangers to drug addiction. It is not a laughing matter. But it is fun to laugh at.