Let me first say that I recently bought a set of sex dice. Why am I complaining about them if I bought a pair? I’ll get to that, just wait a while. If you don’t know what sex dice are, let me start off by enlightening you.
In gaming terms, sex dice are the twisted lovechild of Spin the Bottle and Rock, Paper, Scissors. They always come in pairs, and are designed to be rolled together. One die has various body parts (mine has “ear, lips, above waist, below waist, breast, and ?”) written on it, while the other has titillating verbs on each side (lick, suck, eat, squeeze, blow, and kiss).
As avid gamers, you probably see where this is going; one partner rolls the dice, and is given a task, like “lick breast”. Both partners enjoy that arduous pastime for a while, and then they roll the dice again with their roles reversed, and continue. On paper, it all looks great.
Unfortunately, Sex Dice rarely end up providing such an enticing task. Rolling them several times, I was occasionally inspired by, but more often was perplexed by or afraid of the result. I imagined their instructions shouted out by some unseen arbiter with a poor grasp of English. They were watching us, my partner and I at their mercy:
“Kiss below waist!” …okay, this sounds like fun…
“Squeeze ear!” …that doesn’t sound like such a good idea…
“Eat lips!” …but she needs those for-
“Lick ear!” …No. That’s just silly. Why don’t you just…
“Blow ear!” …I just want to have sex! Why her ears?!
The problem with sex dice, I eventually decided, was the inclusion of certain body parts that are only pleasurable in specific contexts. “Eat” and “Ear” in particular just seemed to not belong. Thinking about ways to improve the game though, I was struck by an epiphany.
Instead of rolling dice, my partner and I could just be kissing one another. Or having sex.
The dice were completely unnecessary. Instead of rolling dice to determine what to do next, two partners should just let themselves get lost in the passion of the moment. Do what feels good. I’m no sex columnist, and this isn’t a sex blog, but really, I’m sure that you can figure out a better way to spend your time alone in bed with your favorite person than rolling dice.
As for why I bought my sex dice, I have xkcd to thank for that:
Keep your gaming where it should be: at the table. There are better things to do in bed. If you want to play a game, play “Who can last longer”, and have fun all night. Or maybe toss the dice in the freezer a while and find somewhere interesting to put them to make them more useful.
Until next time, happy gaming.